Independent

Dear diary,
last nite I had some bleeding..coming to 4 months preggie can be little harder now.
Apparently, when i told my hubby this, he sounds like this is nothing, small matter and trying to act like mr.cool.I was appaled by his action, didn't he know that this can be a bad sign? worst case i can get miscarriage, nauzubillah...but no, he tried to act like nothing-can-be-bigger-than-my-office-problem.I'm pissed off, i really do this time.Once he told me to go n check pregnancy on my own n indirectly saying "oh try to be more independent and dun act too wifey kinda thing"..I guess this is da time.
Since last nite, no doctor/gynae would attend to me, so today I've decided to go on my own to Ampang Puteri/poliklinik near here.
If he decides that getting involved with the wife's check up is too much or like he was forced to do it, I guess he hasn't seen me being independent. I've been independent for 28 yeears of my life before I got married to him, so if he wants me to be independent again..heyyy...a piece of cake!! You think I cannot do it meh? Foolish of me to think of being manja-manja with the only hubby that I have but hey sometimes things dun go as we hope, rite? Foolish of him if he thinks that I can't be independent.

Trying my hands to Google Adsense

Dear diary,
Life is really tough...at least for me..lately.
Today, decided to try and setup my own google Adsense..mana le tau kot2 betul2 boleh dpt duit...

We see things differently...

Dear diary,
Little nitty gritty things can become big stuff if we dun understand the concept of individual differences.How a person see things might differ from another person. As human being living in a society ,accepting queerness and absurd idea in the first place can become bearable after we take a deep breath and strengthen the antenna of our brain .IT's easier said than done, I know that for sure but this is part and parcel of us being human being and living in a society. Unless one prefer to become a person living in a deep jungle alone and staying with wild animals, well, that is another story..but somehow, living in wilderness also requires a bit of common sense and understanding, for we intrude the habitat of the wild animals, either intentionally or not, one can become their free dinner..
For our part, no matter how much we hate the new things being shoved to us, how you deal with yourself internally is first and foremost important. I, for one couldn't take changes so sudden.As for me,usually what I do is to make jokes when the situation becomes too stiff or I can sense that somehow it will bring to fight or more disastrous situation.
Later, when alone, I'll think of how good/bad the idea is, what are the consequences if changes been made to the norm way..after a while, our body will calm the mind and eventually a good decision is made. The conclusion doesn't necessarily be we follow the changes earlier but how do we face the actual situation or maybe if it's for betterment of something, changes on our part is necessary.

Laman Seni Putrajaya 23/5 - 25/5

Dear diary,
Dpt invitation from Ptrjy Holding to open booth for Laman Seni Putrajaya again this weekend. Hesitated at the beginning but after talking to my broad-minded dad, I've changed my mind.
If this is the road that I chose, I have to face the hardship, turbulance and mind-blogging times. Tolak tepi rasa malas, tolak tepi rasa bosan. Usaha kena lebih dari org yg makan gaji. Usaha jgn berenti, jgn sekali2 separuh jalan. Mesti buat sesuatu utk biz ni SETIAP HARI. teruskan momentum dan teruskan semangat yg sedang ada.Jangan biarkan ia mati...Do something to improve da biz everyday!!!
InsyaAllah, dgn doa+usaha+tawakal ni aku akan capai sesuatu kejayaan yg besar suatu ari nanti..

A New Beginning..

Dear diary,
Sitting at home on my first day working from home.Targets written : on business and at home.
Just need time to rearrange my day schedule and menatality of now working on my own which means harder than before..
God, pls give me the strength and the good attitude to face this stage of life..insyaAllah...

Keep my heart affixed to a decision..

Dear diary,
Been reading 'things to consider before you quit your job' frequently. And this site has been offering me a good insight on what lies on the other side of the grass..is it greener than what I'm thinking of..
Right now, I'm making a list of 10 things that make it compelling me to quit and 10 things I have on my current job that I might not have on my next one.

Keje susah, Tak keje pun susah...

Dear diary,
aku nk berenti keje...aku nk dok ghumah jeeee...bagilah aku berenti keje..takde mood langsung nk dtg keje.
tiap2 pagi rasa cam ade batu besar hempap hati & jantung utk bangun bersiap.
nape niiii...ati mmg dah separuh je nk stay sini.
I want 2 do my own business..when can I have the courage to start it???when? when?when will i stop worrying abt the uncertainty and unpredictable risk??
sigh...i wanna get out of this messy mind..just let me be free to do things on my own..

Goshhh....

Dear diary,
Last Tuesday & Wednesday, i was called to give a training on MS Power Point for MPSJ. For first day, I noticed that some of the trainees were in beginner level,so I plan 2 do beginner+intermediate on 1st day while advance level on 2nd day. Unfortunately, ther revoke the offer after the 1st day without even tried to look at da my way ahead. well, i guess this is not my rezeki...never mind...InsyaAllah, God willing there will be another offer, another door of opporunity open for me...

Public Mutual Agent

Dear diary,
Today i take 1/2 day leave, reason being to start my first step in journey to become a public mutual agent.
Quite easy I must say especially when doing with cash. Next, I would try to take my EPF money and invest here too.

I.P.O.H

Dear diary,
As a corporate trainer,work brings me to a lot of places. Johor,Terengganu, Penang, and also Brunei Darussalam. Even right now, I'm writing from my hotel room in Ipoh,Perak.
The hardest part in this work right now is being away from my baby Qistina...this particular project requires me to be here for 5 days.Counting days to come back to my precious baby + my hubby.
Aiyahh..mengantuklah..malas nk tulis dah..next time!

Stab in the back

Dear diary,
It is painful to be stab on the back especially by those you think are friends. It is even more painful when you find out how naive a friend can be when being persuaded to stab us by outsiders...I had an x-colleague, then became colleague, then became x-colleague again..not sure how many times this circle is...whom i tot can be assume as a friend, but apaarently not.
Well, like people used to say..world is small place, news come around...the gossip, the bad things you said behind -> reaches the person ->painful process -> denial that it can't be this person who spread the bad vibes ->find out it's true ->tried defending oneself -> grew tired of this world & people...
"Ya Allah, balaslah perbuatan jahat mereka ke atas ku. Pelihara dan lindungilah aku dari perbuatan jahat mereka yg jelas mahupun terselindung"

Dear diary,
When a person grows old, they build a certain wall between them called "cynical'. If life throws something, they look at it in a cynical way.."Is this true or not","can this person beside me have ulterior motive being good with me", "this can't be happening, too good to be true" sorta thing..
These sway of minds happen when we least expected it.

I wish this doesn't happen to me..but it hounds my mind lately..

I have been spending most of my time, quietly by myself, thinking about all of the things that happen around me. I know my hubby noticed it, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to talk or discuss with him about this issue. I thought of how I've been doing for the past 30 years of my life, have i contributed something to the lives of people around me or am i ruining them as well as myself? Have my tinyself contributed anything to the ummah / community? Am I doing good in any field or anything that I touch? Am I good enough for everybody?

I can't help but tink where am I now or in a few years or probably 20-30 years time. Although my instinct is telling me, I might not live that long, so my mind bring me back to this question "have I developed a base where my pahala will continue once I leave this beautiful place Allah created?" Is my pahala enuf to cover all my sins that I've done to myself or people around me or the mighty God?""Have I taught my baby completely to doa for me once I die?"

So, if by any chance, my hubby is reading this, by any chance...pls dun get me wrong...The way I behave lately have nothing to do with you..You are a great husband but the proble is ..ME!!

Commitment

Dear diary,
I got back early today from work. Paid my TTT Program fees at PSMB and took a cab straight back home.
A very emotional day for me. Today, I'm somehow being pushed to commit myself to accept a new position at office. The position is vacant recently as my colleague left for another job. Frankly speaking, I'm reluctant to accept this position. I knew there will be a disaster in this company, after all from track record they scored very high in that area.
So, when I was the last name to be offered this position, I knew that my stay here will be shorter than I expected. Tendency to be fired and misinterpreted are so high like a mountain that me myself couldn't see the peak.
I leave everything to God now...this forced commitment is not my choice , but I leave it to God to decide for me. This is what prayer used to be..Whatever path that is in front of me now, I believe coming from God and He knows what's best for me.
What I think is good for me, might be bad ...and vice versa..

"Commitment takes a great deal of sacrifice.So, choose your commitment wisely." - Grey's Anatomy

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

Just to share a story..(no doubt i will forward this to my husband if this thing happen to me..nauzubillah..)

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy.

But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it.

No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded.
I knew I could not hesitate any more.When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got somethingto tell you, I said.She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.

"I want to divorce."
I raised a serious topic calmly.She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?" ." I m serious." I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man! ".

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reasonwas simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?"This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.I nodded and said," I remember ."" You carried me in your arms" , she continued, "so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning."
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, thento the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly," Let us start from today, don t tell our son."I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms.The visualization of Dew became vaguer.On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.I didn t tell Dew about this.I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown fatter". I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it s time to carry mum out". He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old."

I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn t notice that our life was lack of such intimacy."

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door.
I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m serious."
She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. "You got no fever." She said.
I moved her hand off my head.
"Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not because we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst out crying. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card.

I smiled and wrote, "I' ll carry you out every morning until we are old"

Sawang story

Dear diary,
Quite a while I haven't write anything here. Been 'bersawang' a bit, no?
Today,I feel a bit empty inside when I came across a fotopage of my friend who is now staying in Japan. The blog was so interesting with the places that he went, views that was so mesmerizing and pictures that he took. All this while,it has always been me that is fascinated and awestruck by Japanese..Japanese language/books, japanese food,japanese culture..but till today, no rezeki to step foot in that country.. However, in spite of this emptiness, I'm thankful that I have everything that is around me now.

Next story, my hubby doesn't get his salary for quite sometime now, I believe I'm not as bad as some of his officemate's wives who doesn't talk at all to their hubby. I understand how they feel. If you have become the sole breadwinner, I know how upset it is to be in that condition especially when in wife's shoes. Frankly speaking, I don't mind being there and helping a little bit on financial part but when my hubby keep doing work for his beloved 'office' day and night but not being paid a single cent ...that's what make me boil with rage!!!!!

How can he keeps doing office work at home when he can do our Countryside business that will generate money ?? How come he never think of alternative way to generate money instead of solely depending on the company that don't pay his salary?Night is the time he should do other stuff or find part time things to make money. If work harder on this home business of ours, I can bet at least buying diapers and milk for our child is not a problem. Talking about this...grrr...I'm fuming now...astaghfirullah.....

Google Me!!

Couldn't believe my eyes when I tried to google my name and 4 results were shown...WOW! I am famous..I'm in GOOGLE...yey!

Putrajaya Floria

Dear diary,
Our online business step a little bit further this week. We were invited by Perbadanan Putrajaya to join this big event. Doubtful in the first place as this event is ongoing for 9 days from 25/8 - 2/9...so I was a bit afraid on resources side. At last, I got good news from my nephew and sista to cover me on weekdays when I'm working.
Pak Lah, our PM officiated the event and later went on buggy ride to go around the big place. I tot he's going to walk from one stall to another shaking hands with the new entrepeneur but he proves to be a lazy bone, prefer to ride than walking...anyway, we get to see him in person..
The product that we sell proves to be somehow popular with the folks there. Especially the labu sayong. I got sale on the bedside lamp..gross profit is around RM450..which is OK for a newcomer like us..
So, folks ..head up to this Putrajaya Floria at Precint 2, near lakeside (rocket monument). See you at countryside ;-)

Kuch-kuch hota heii

Dear diary,
Sleeping alone at Wisma Halal in Padang Midin, Terengganu last night. Kinda scary at first but I was so tired that i slept immediately. There was supposed to be 3 students accompanying me last nite but they are even worse scared than me..haha..nvm..
Anyway, being alone can make you wonder sometimes. Izit going to be like this when my kids are all grown up..leaving me alone with my husband..hmm..sabishi nee...

Training has always been a havoc here. Server is always down when merely only 50 students accessing it. Hey...figure it out laa... when only a 'cap ayam' server is given of course the service is like 'cock-a-doodle-doo'. Complaining to deaf ears people are no point also. If they want their staff/student to excel, well buckle up people, invest some money to buy a good reliable server or you will get a bored trainer here who will start jotting down her painful memory of having to leave her family behind in her blog during training..hahaha

Syukur - Grateful

Dear diary,
There are a few things in life that we take for granted.
Somehow , i think i've to come to mature age (or at least i think i am) that i start to appreciate all the things around me.
Here is the list of things that I would say "Alhamdulillah" or Thank You, Allah everyday :

• Good and soleh husband
• Healthy and cute baby
• Good job and enough salary
• Family that is always behind me in good or bad time
• Good home to stay with a nice neighbourhood
• Reliable cars that can bring our family everywhere together
• Just enough money to cover our small family's expenses
• Sufficient supply of rice and plenty of other food on table everyday

So, it's true that when people say "Life is like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts" and I'm enjoying every minutes of it..

Alhamdulillah...

Unfair ! Unfair ! Unfair !

Dear diary,
I held my head high up when i accepted this position in this new company. Although this job is nothing new to me, hoping to be given an extra or higher job responsibility is part of my dream to be accepted here. At least to be trusted with a simple management position is what i hope for. I don't ask for much , right? Rightttt....

Well, life can be unfair sometimes. (I used to say that ,right...haha...that's just my line).
This ex-colleague of mine , same age, same background but somehow she got promoted eventhough she cannot do any work. I know this because our ex-company's staff is complaining about her. She is the type that likes to tai-chi her work to other people. She is the type who can find 101 excuses and pushed her work to whoever is available to be her victim. But somehow, she got away with her attitude all the time. Reason being that she talks and talks her way and blabber in the meeting that people don't seem to notice...yet...
FYI, diary, I'm not the type who hates people easily...but somehow when it happens to me and she got away with it all the time makes me hate to see her ever again. Even to bump into her in the office is a pain in the ass. She is a pain in the ass. Recently, she blabber to me saying that she's the SME (subject matter expert) in her field that companies are looking up for her to do consultation work...plthhhh...God forbid this..!!! How I wish i can put my tongue in front of her there and then when she was talking...haha...not yet but like I told you, how i wish...

Well, I take a step back and re-examine myself..
Perhaps, I have to form a new me to be able to be trusted with a higher post after this.
Part of the fault is mine...I guess...I noted it here, just for my future reference:

1) not enough experience (perhaps i'll try to get cert on my own after this)
2) i talk rubbish (hmm..maybe sometimes...but hey! not that often)
3)likes to joke too much (i can be joker sometimes ..i hate stiff situation)
4) or ,could it be I take things too serious when people are joking? (hmmmm.....)
5) am i just too cute to be on management side?( this has crossed my mind too...not trying to be snobbish, but people tend to say that to me before...)

Whatever the reason is, I'll improve myself in whatever way I can and prove that somehow they hired a better person in me!! Than trusting somebody else who can only talk!!