Sacrifice and its analogy

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's 2 hearts living
In 2 separate worlds
But its no sacrifice
No sacrifice
Its no sacrifice at all...

Sacrifice...that word alone can have different meaning to different people. Most of the time sacrifice is meant for good and positive things..
Same goes with my life..i'm in the process / journey to find the true meaning of sacrifice for my husband's sake.This journey is to get his keredhaan, apart from the first one which is keredhaan from Allah swt..

Sacrifice is a struggle.
I have come to 36 years of living in this world..there are some things i see everyday for the past 36 years as normal and it becomes a habit in my life..families find it normal, close friends find it normal...but when you get married, 2 hearts become 1 and all the normality that u had for the past years is now becoming odd to others especially your other half.
The oddness become so apparent each day that u r forced by your other half to change...yes, to change...
Take a look at it, on a positive side, the change is for his sake..not for anyone else, but for him alone..

Analogy...

You have eaten your rice for the past 36 years with 'kicap'...day in day out you always had your lunch, dinner etc with kicap. near/far, down/low u must have your kicap without fail. Suddenly when u r married, your spouse find it unacceptable to see u having your meal with kicap anymore. Your spouse find it annoying , odd and suddenly blurt it out.... the spouse want u to change this habit, the habit that u thought ist okay and harmless for all your life but now it's not anymore...
OK u thought...for my spouse sake, I will change.. suddenly yr meal is not as tempting and delicious as before..
yr spouse saw u r not satisfied with yr meal and offered an alternative..tomato sauce+chilli sauce + black colourings+ water that u mix together and be the substitute of that kicap... he said it's good , try it lah..change your habit , change to this liquid in your meal!!! this is normal in our culture and religion to eat this liquid substitute..

Your spouse also claims it's good for your health, no preservatives (just analogy here) what not..well, u take it and swallow it with a smile on your face, gobble down your meal without munching as long as he's happy...

since he brought up the subject of eating healthy, u take one step further up..u choose to change your lifestyle to suit a healthy lifestyle..u dun eat meat, chicken, fish, seafood etc...now u become vegetarian..it's difficult u admit it, but u r all out to change everything to make him happy, be acceptable to him...

your spouse find it hard to accept when u have changed totally...not being the old you, who r happy-go-lucky and free to choose your meal , now u r becoming food freak and be very very particular in your food intake...calories here,cholesterol there  etc...

he's not happy again because he has lost the old ,vibrant , chirpy and happy mealtime mate...u r now becoming more cautious on every single thing that pops into your mouth when u r around him..u have become too careful , too paranoid on your food intake that people around u especially your spouse notice..

he confront u and said he doesn't want u to change up to this level...he wants u to change not too much and he wants u to be your oldself again..

Close analogy....

well, in life u can't have everything..give n take here n there...u asked me to change, i cahnge ...but for that change to be efficient and changing a lifetime habit in one single night is impossible...to fasten the proccess, i have to change for the betterment and it might effect the other habit that u find it attractive last time when we're courting...

sorry if u found me less vibrant, becomes quiet nowadays, less talking,keep opinions to myself & even biting my lips to surpress anger @opinions, less n less dependent on u ..i'm afraid if i don't take these steps i might not be able to change the level that u want me to be ...i'm afraid that i might add more sins if i dont do it..

back to the word sacrifice ...these are the sacrifices that i need to adapt and practice to be as u want me to be...

Heart to Heart talk

Dear diary,
we had heart to heart talk yesterday...heart wrenching when he said that he's sooooo dissapointed with my attitude..my anger, my-not-so-favorful-answer-to-his-questions sometimes, the 'claimed disrespect'..
gosh...he's been keeping these in his heart all this while..he''s hurt by me.
he's not happy because of me..
i broke his heart with my egoistic and idiotic attitude.
he's hurt by my anger..

oh Allah, seandainya umurku tidak panjang aku tidak mahu menghabiskan sisa usiaku mendapat dosa kerana derhaka pada suamiku. Aku memohon dalam waktu yang sedikit ini untuk menjadi isteri yang solehah dan menjadi isteri yang sentiasa dingatan suamiku sehingga ke akhir hayatku.

aku tolak ke tepi rasa kecil hatiku ...
aku buang rasa ego ku jauh-jauh...
walau apa yg aku rasa terkilan sekian lama itu, aku pula perlu pendam demi suamiku..
kali ini biar aku yg berkorban untuk suamiku...
kali ini biar aku yg rasa perit & pedih memendam rasa..
semua demi kebahagiaan suami aku..
aku perlu tambah rasa hormat, sayang & kasihan aku pada suamiku biar apapun situasinya..
aku nak dia pula bahagia..

If...

kalau dia kenyang.. dia diam x tanya org lain lapar ke tak walaupon time tu dh lunch hour..

dgn kawan ofis dia blh citer mcm2... everything... tp dgn wife diam x reti bercerita apa2..semuaaaa kena tunggu ditanya baru ada cerita... walau cerita tu very important n he knows his wife is waiting for the result or related stories to it but somehow it slips off his mind when he comes home...

when the needs arise then only he will come n gosok2 me but when he's not in da mood... plthhh .... duduk jauh sebatu walau dlm rumah sendiri tp kalau when he needs me pandai plak semua nak kena dekat2.. heyy... sometimes maybe our mood dun match each other' s time but hey c'mon pls respond when i need it too... not just yr mood..

and here i tot that taking yr spouse as yr best friend ...hmmm...
dun blame me if i start to do da same thing to u... not that i want to but somehow yr attitude changes me!!!