Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dear diary,
When a person grows old, they build a certain wall between them called "cynical'. If life throws something, they look at it in a cynical way.."Is this true or not","can this person beside me have ulterior motive being good with me", "this can't be happening, too good to be true" sorta thing..
These sway of minds happen when we least expected it.

I wish this doesn't happen to me..but it hounds my mind lately..

I have been spending most of my time, quietly by myself, thinking about all of the things that happen around me. I know my hubby noticed it, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to talk or discuss with him about this issue. I thought of how I've been doing for the past 30 years of my life, have i contributed something to the lives of people around me or am i ruining them as well as myself? Have my tinyself contributed anything to the ummah / community? Am I doing good in any field or anything that I touch? Am I good enough for everybody?

I can't help but tink where am I now or in a few years or probably 20-30 years time. Although my instinct is telling me, I might not live that long, so my mind bring me back to this question "have I developed a base where my pahala will continue once I leave this beautiful place Allah created?" Is my pahala enuf to cover all my sins that I've done to myself or people around me or the mighty God?""Have I taught my baby completely to doa for me once I die?"

So, if by any chance, my hubby is reading this, by any chance...pls dun get me wrong...The way I behave lately have nothing to do with you..You are a great husband but the proble is ..ME!!